sharing my pain…

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hoopla of life and miss all of the beautiful, intricate small things that are happening around you. 

How many times have you been so self absorbed in focusing on everything that’s NOT going right that you totally miss out in noticing what is going right?
 
I found myself being in that place – for an entire year to be honest, and I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy. 

My mind was so focused and consumed on the negative things, old things – things that I should have let go years ago – that I couldn’t see the beautiful things that were happening to me.  

I did not notice that God moved me to a beautiful city so that I could see and experience things I never would have seen if I had not lived there. 

I did not see that God placed me in the high mountains of North Carolina with my new husband to isolate me so that He could create and mold me to be the wife, leader and woman He designed me to be. 

I did not see  that I had to be in this place in order to get focused and aligned to Him, zoning in on my health and wellness and successfully dropping 35 pounds in 6 months which in turn now inspires other women to tap into their greatness and become healthier and fit from the inside, out.

I could not see that my destiny was being built in this season, in this perfect place. 

I couldn’t see it…

I did not notice how much of an amazing life I had, ability to work from home, great income, amazing husband that loved and adored me, beautiful family, supportive friends, could purchase anything I wanted, got my MBA, and so much more in my abundance, because…I loved my pain,  I worshipped and adored her – I made love to her daily. We spent so much time together I didn’t have room for anything or anyone else. She was my priority. 

No matter how hard I tried, I continued to hold on to these bad things, the negative situations – my hurt. I didn’t want to let my hurt go, it was my addiction, my god. I worshipped my hurt, I praised my pain – I bowed down to her daily for an entire year – she consumed me.

For an entire year, the only god I served was the god of my pain, the lord of my hurt.

…and in that worship, in that praise, it was all taken away…

I lost it all – my job, my income, my identity and almost my sanity and my marriage. Depression was waiting for me, she stood with open arms waiting to share her “love” with me. She wanted me to come to her making me feel like she loved me so that she could wrap her arms around me and walk me into her dark shadows – but GOD.

I would constantly look back on my pain, reminisce in the hurt, fight to forgive, SO self absorbed with the thoughts that I could NOT focus on what was ahead of me.

I would replay in my mind these situations,  the heart wrenching occurrences trying to figure out where I went wrong. I cried, I prayed, because never in a million years did I want to hurt anyone, not even myself.  The soul was dying, the pain was just too great to live with. These thoughts, situations and what-ifs consumed me, they took over me daily and I felt like I was losing myself, losing my mind, and day-by-day, bit-by-bit, I was.

No longer when I looked in the mirror I saw beautiful, pretty “ebby” – I saw a woman that walking in her pain, living in her hurt, disgraced by negative emotion worshipping her shame.

Very few knew what I was going through – only those very close to me.  Thank God for angels, beautiful friends and strangers I encountered during this season that helped me to see the beauty in my life that I was ignoring. Thank God for those who prayed for me, my marriage, my life, my soul and purpose – THANK GOD for Jesus.Many nights, many days I cried imagining myself as that woman crawling on the floor trying to touch the hem of His garment because all I wanted was to heal – to be in His presense. I wanted Him to see me again.If only I could reach Him, if only I could see and feel Him again. I missed Him.
In my heart I wanted to be free, I wanted to forget, I wanted to let go but I couldn’t. It was like something in the atmosphere wanted me to remember these things and dwell on them because it knew the moment I was free from the bondage, loose from the chains –  DESTINY was awaiting me – my GREATNESS was waiting to be restored to me.
 
I knew in my heart that I was a prayer warrior. I knew what to pray and how to pray but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. For a year of my life I felt weak, like I couldn’t pray –  I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be strong again but no matter how hard I fought I couldn’t regain my strength.
The harder I fought to keep “me,” the more I was losing me. 
Losing the battle not realizing that the very “me” I was trying to hold on to, God wanted “her” to die.  He was creating a new thing, a new creature, a new ebby. I knew and realized in my heart that truly and honestly letting go was my bus pass to elevation, my plane ticket to freedom – but something kept me and it had me for a year.  It controlled me for a year.

After a year of fighting those chains, those spirits, that bondage I am here to announce to you that I am free. The moment I truly gave it all to God, did all that I could do, forgave and forgotten truly in my heart, stopped worshipping my pain,  He opened the flood gates for me.

Everything I had held up in the heavens was there waiting for me on the other side.  My destiny was far to great to carry that weight with me. My purpose was waiting for me to let go. 
 
Now I can testify to you today that I am free, I am ready and I am healed. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this liberated and happy in my life! 

Everything I lost God is restoring back to me ten-fold.  Day-by-day God is showing me His favor. I know I am healed and He knows He can trust me again. 

There is not one devil in hell that can keep me from my destiny, my purpose. I am a fighter, I persevere –  I am going to keep fighting and I want to help you fight.

My pain was not and will not be in vain.  I will no longer allow my pain to be my god – there is only one God, one Lord, one Savior, one Spirit and that is who I am going to worship, serve and praise. I don’t care if it’s with one or a million – I love Him too much to let Him down anymore.

With Love and Freedom,
ebby.K

12 Comments

  • Demetra Overton

    It’s so easy to get caught up in our struggles and not see the beauty right in front of us. I try to help my kids with this too. Try to teach them to enjoy their journey

    10/25/2013 at 3:15 pm
  • Leigh Ishee

    What a wonderful post Ebby! You are such a beautiful inspiration!!

    10/25/2013 at 3:30 pm
  • Kellie Smalls

    Beautiful!! Love the site!

    10/25/2013 at 4:35 pm
  • First Lady

    This is so wonderful Lady. Thank you so much for including me…

    10/25/2013 at 4:49 pm
  • Chonte S Thompson

    I love it!!! Real talk…TRUTH!

    10/25/2013 at 5:15 pm
  • chilitia mccoy

    Love this post shows us God will never leave our side all we have to do is just trust and believe. Thank you for your transpancsy you have touched many people just by sharing your story.

    10/27/2013 at 1:28 pm
  • Kerissa

    Thank you for this post! I was just sharing with another blogger pal that we don’t day enough that we are broken, depressed and oppressed. Who cares to what extent?! I’ve battled depression as well as oppression but GOD. There are times in praise and worship that I’m just grateful that I didn’t lose my mind!! I’m going through some tough times right now where all I see ate the dreams that appear dead, what I’ve lost, trying to figure out how to make it, get a promotion, well really I prefer finding a new job that I’m just exhausted all while still trying to maintain. I’m tired and so the stubborn me need to just let go….. Your testimony spoke to me, Amen.

    10/27/2013 at 6:31 pm
  • Karen Curtis

    Blessings, Ebby! This was beautifully written and shared right on time for me! I will definitely share this with some ladies in my small group. Praise God for brokenness and for restoration.

    11/12/2013 at 4:09 pm
  • tiffannie small

    Beautiful post and very inspirational.

    11/12/2013 at 4:29 pm
  • Ashley

    Wow very powerful. The things we idolize & allow us to take us away from God & His time with Him. I’ve been there once before. I didn’t have it all but it just seemed like being in that space was where I needed to be. Felt alone when really I knew I wasn’t when I knew I was his child. He wasn’t nor did He leave me. Sometimes we’re placed in seasons where we have no choice but to seek Him & put everything else on the back burner to get aligned with what He has for us. This is your testimony to share with others. You did just that! God bless you Queen.

    Fellow BLM Girl <3

    11/12/2013 at 4:43 pm
  • Khloé Belle Gadson

    Very Touching, Ebby!
    I feel the same way right at this time and I’m actually reading two books to help me snap out of it now..

    Great post!! Very inspirational. And keep up the good work on your weight loss journey. I follow you on instagram and I see the dedication. Makes me get up and move…

    Keep it Touched,
    KG
    http://www.kgstyleinc.com

    11/12/2013 at 5:14 pm
  • NeShanta

    Very beautiful testimony.

    11/12/2013 at 8:24 pm
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